I run to be healthy, to feel strong, to know I am alive, to feel my legs burn, to sort my head out, to cry my eyes out, to feel my breath, to KNOW I am alive. I run to remind myself that I am beautiful, I can move my legs, I can let my brain wander, dream and experience the outdoors. I run to listen to music so loud that sometimes I can't see straight. I run to think through all the things I put aside because life is too busy.
Every where I look it seems an attitude in our culture is growing, there is a rumble and it's exciting and has your name written all over it. Somehow, someone decided it was ok to start saying, even screaming "IT'S OK WHOEVER YOU ARE, WHEREVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE JUST RIGHT, IT'S YOUR OWN JOURNEY, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES."
I started running back in Junior High and I don't even really remember why. I was about as awkward as middle school girls come. I was about 5' tall, had the shortest hair (combined with a Little Orphan Annie perm) and weighed about 80 pounds. I struggled with being one of the pretty girls with the curves that grabbed all of the attention and had no idea how to sort through it all. I vaguely remember not measuring up, knowing that according to the world which was Louis Pasture Jr. High, I didn't measure up. I was looking and like most of us, am still looking for some unwritten approval from..... whom?? I didn't know the answer then and I don't know it now.
High school didn't get much better for me in the 1980's "good looks" department. I know my mother will argue (YAY for mom's), but I didn't get it. I didn't understand what I needed to do differently to look like the girls that seemed to have it all. I got pretty lost in the quest. I ran track and cross country a little bit, dabbled in soccer (not a good idea since I ran away from the ball) and pretty much stumbled through those 4 years.
I left running for awhile and spent my early college years still searching for some identity, some explanation of myself.....
It wasn't until I was pregnant with my oldest son that I started getting outside again (I know, weird timing), but I was sidelined early on in my pregnancy due to a severely torn abdomen and hernia so I couldn't work. Each day I would walk 2 miles, each way to bring lunch to my husband. For the first time in my life, I slowed down long enough to look around and see the world that was waiting for me outside. That world didn't care how fast I walked, in fact the times that I walked the slowest, the more I saw. In that world, my mind was free to wander and think about the future and what it could hold. When I was walking by myself all of a sudden I had a sense of MYSELF. It didn't matter what I looked like, if I was pretty enough, smart enough or funny enough. I was enough and pumping my legs and sometimes running after my dog on our walks gave me a chance to know ME. How thankful I am for those walks as I look back on them because for those last 5 months leading up to being a first time mom, I was able to get to know me and maybe with that new found self, I could be just what that baby needed.
After the birth of the little one, running became a part of me. I realized that it not only helped me clear my head, but allowed me to be better at being all of the things I needed to be. I discovered a sense of renewal each time I got outside by myself on the trails. Running got my son outside all of the time too, with it there was time to talk about the bugs, the leaves, the cars and the people.
When I was pregnant with my second son, I ran the entire time, baby #1 in the stroller, big belly out in front of me. I didn't care how silly I looked....I know to others I did and that it didn't make sense, but I didn't care. The not caring, that was new and enlightening. I had been trapped for so many years in a prison of image put around me by society and by people who knew nothing about my heart, my soul and my mind. The freedom I felt from running and moving my body was bigger than those images.
Over the years, running has been my hiding place, I didn't run thinking I could ever be fast or win rather I ran to feel all of those things I mentioned above. Even now, running for me is my haven. When I hit the trails by my house there is a switch that turns off. My mind can either spin freely or fall silent, letting my feet and my breath dictate the journey.
Now that my life is very different from when I was running with that baby stroller, I still fight the images, the new ones each year brings. It doesn't take me long though to remember that I am the one who dicates this journey I am on, that I am all that I need to be for right now. There isn't any measurement that I need to use other than my own.
That's just it though, the measurement we often use belongs to someone else. It has nothing to do with who we are, where we came from or what battle's we face daily. It's our own journey and no one has the right to define it for you.
The journey doesn't end with just starting, there are surprises around every corner. It might just start out with you getting to know you, to see that you really can run 3 miles. Then all of a sudden you find out that this thing, this running or swimming or cycling or all three feeds something inside of you. The people around you start to wonder what is different, what has changed. You begin to take control of your life, how you fuel your body and what you do with your time. You start to understand the concept of training, of working towards a goal that seemed insurmountable just months before.
What journey are you on? It's difficult to begin to move your body, change your habits and find out who you really are. Maybe your journey is just starting in this world of fitness or maybe you have been around and are seasoned and ready to put yourself even further to the test with longer distances, faster times. Whatever the journey, trust yourself, know that you are more than capable.
I am most proud of Mermaid for giving us all a chance as WOMEN to shatter the boundary of our cultures definition of beautiful and successful. How many of you have done something this last year for the first time? I can't count how many Mermaids I've had the pleasure of meeting that have said, I didn't think I could do it and of course they did.
It's time to accept yourself for who you are....life is too short not to. What are you allowing to hold you back from living out your journey? Don't let some image of what you should look like keep you from moving. If we lined up all of the top female athletes in the world, you would be shocked at the sampling of sizes, of backgrounds of abilities....each in their own way: beautiful, strong and determined to live out their journey.
2010 is upon us. We will blink and it will be here. Our 2009 Mermaid season is coming to and end and we are filled with anticipation for what this next year will bring. What will you do? What will your journey look like? We hope it includes us, that you help us to continue to send the message, who you are is all you need to be. FAST, SLOW, TALL, SHORT, SKINNY, FAT, RICH, POOR....it doesn't matter. Whether training or racing, we are all Mermaids and you are you and that's all you need to be.
Heidi Boynton
Head Coach Team Mermaid
